Judikael.exe Terminal
Daily chat
12 mai: So this whole anime is all about looking for god. I am once again lost about my sexuality. Desire comes and the body follows, things can be enjoyable and simple. These seems to be two whole different feeling. To be holding a girl in my arm and being fucked by a guy. I can tell myself all I was looking for was to hold someone but I actually got a little frustrated and I think it is all about the exterior world perception. I thought I needed sex because sex was what I should have been desiring. And so I started to desire it.
Things are easier when you think the other person is only polite about a true honest and simple desire, eased from all the traumas and police in our heads looking at all that we are doing. Saying strongly that I am a lesbian to the point of having conflicts with my actual sexual partners and now only ending a weekend of pure ease and desire to once again fuck a guy. I think this is all about being trapped between the want to be used and my fear of desiring to actually use. Actually hold and take and acting without limit on my own desire: fucking. Being a man. Being on the other side of what sex has meant for me. Being used. And now using?
This is me complaining on my own public website about how hard it seems for me to just being able to enjoy what I am longing for. The end of loneliness and the stress I actually feel when what I want is right here in my hands.
Fiction. Inventing fictions. Using art for my own personal understanding. This is what I need to do to be finally able to see things how it is. I am a very disabled person when it comes to reality and a pretty good actress when it comes to transgressing it.
I want my mind to expand and be freed from this kind of short-lived social expectactions. Being a fake lesbian or a lying bisexual and this feels like I can't help but always be in the middle of these things.
I want to hold Her in my arms. Her being Her body and that feeling behind it. I can act on my own desires. I can have preferences. I can hold wings in my arms and not only my own questionnable randomness.
Apparently I'm good at what I'm doing and it feels good to actually be fulfilled by someone.
Recent obsession
Probably modding my 3DS and coding will certainly make it's come back.
Codding the 36 of march rework
Arranging website
Wandering around
In the Cheschire garden people were only drinking syrup and smoke going out of their nose.
Loneliness
I'm mister lonely
Consumption
15/05 - This could be my last joint for a while. Rin Kagamine image comfort me. Is it weird to find comfort in these kind of stylish characters, manga and anime medium as well at making my creativity flourish. As well as for my health and self-being as this judikael.exe program, I want to be my own personal computer, but in this kind of moe-style early internet projections in the future. I want to be my own good lover, company and cheerleader. But I know it so much well I like to numb myself all day.
Every day I feel the discomfort with the outside world. I had been trained to open my sensibility to the world as well as still being to handle a chaotic and aggressive world. Each time I try to quit weed I get way too much sensitive about everything, having sound sensitivity induced panic attack can be a daily thing for me.
But now I feel comfort at the idea of staying a vape girl. Sober. And I will try to enjoy life this way.